Cleaning Under the Rug

It's a look, it's a tone, it's certain words that brings me right back to that little girl. The torn and hurt little girl masked with a smile. That was worth so much more. For she deserved so much more. She deserved the love that a parent is supposed to give a child, a hug before bed, being told she is loved more than just a handful of times. So many fights and so many tears all because she wanted more. Where was her father? That remains the question, oh he was there. But really where was he because even when he was home it still felt like he wasn't there. Now this little girl is an adult and is left to sort through so much of what is the past.

And I realize that there is forgiveness that needs to take place on my end so I can move forward in my relationship with God and with others. It's time to let go, and let God have all of the insecurities that I feel. He is my Father, my Heavenly Father. Yes I did not have a good example, and I realize for everything my earthly father lacked my heavenly father has for me. He loves me unconditionally and will never leave me or forsake me! And I can forgive, because he has forgiven me.

I am to deal with the past so I can move on in the Future....otherwise it will be something that always holds me back. I can no longer sweep in under the rug like it doesn't exist.

Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.

The Battle Within

How do I end up right back at this point. Like a child with my hand over my ears not wanting to hear the truth or the lies any longer. I hear the devil say, "You're here in this place and its dark, and you know you like it here." And faintly but clearly I hear God say. " Come my child for you are already mine." Part of me wants to stay here, the part that does not like myself, the part that thinks this is the best you can do anyway. It is so dark here, and I am told this is what I deserve for I am worthless, selfish, and unlovable anyway. Why do I even bother trying to get out?

I have been in this place for months, yet nobody really knows just how deep I have really gotten. I have been digging and digging trying to find that place where the voices stop. But with every inch deeper the more voices I hear. They are louder and clearer than before. "No one loves you." "You are not good enough." "You belong here." I am so deep now that I can barely see the sun as I look up.

I start to climb. This time the climb up is not so easy. I feel so many things trying to hold me down. I fall. Someone is dusting me off and helping me back up. He says, "here use my back to step on to get up, and don't look down just keep going. It will be okay I got you." So I'm going up, I'm almost to the top, the sun is so bright. Part of me wants to give up, then He says, "Keep going you are almost out." With every step up I feel a weight lifted off of me. Then I'm out. I turn around to see Christ, he is dirty from where I have stepped on him, so I could get out. He looks me in my eyes and tells me, "You alone are worth it." "I love you so much." "And no you do not belong in the hole, you belong here with me." He holds me in his arms. And I know I am safe here....

Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.